Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
