I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
