i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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