You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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