There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
