Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
