i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
