Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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