If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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