I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
