Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
