As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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