i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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