Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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