Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
