Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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