you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
