Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
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