mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
