btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
