i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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