If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
