Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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