what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
