oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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