Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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