The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
