she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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