If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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