I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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