if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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