I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
