you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
