Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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