i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
