One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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