I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
