Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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