ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
