I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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