I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
