i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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