I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
