it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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