In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
