And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
