You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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