I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
