I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
