If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
