It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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