I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
