I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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