a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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