i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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